There are some single moms who have it so much easier than most.
You know, the ones whose ex-husbands are paying the rent, the medical aid and the school fees.
My friend, Sarie. sent me a long voice note last night, saying that her brain is not so well on track. Her brain is busy. But I could hear that she was not herself and that there was something bothering her.
I knew that I had to just wait. So, as she was telling me how AI can calculate the delivery fee that I need to charge for my business, Friday Foods, and that I do not need to do any calculation myself, Sarie changed the subject.
She started to inform me that she did not apply for the medical assistant post in Centurion that I sent her, as she was battling with her memory after her stroke. She had decided to send the job vacancy to her friend, Suzie, instead.
Sarie, was thinking of Suzie, she was a divorced mom, and her business dipped. She had recently complained to Sarie about struggling financially and that business was slow, etc.
Thus, Sarie, thought it good to think of Suzie and to send the medical assistant vacancy to her to help her.
Things took an ugly turn quickly, as Sarie received a rude awakening for helping, Suzie!
Suzie apparently started informing Sarie that she could not work for R10 000 pm in Centurion, as it would cost her so much in fuel. She started to unpack the “it will not be worthwhile” suitcase of excuses, but then the real reason slipped out: Suzie was actually earning more than R10 000 pm.
Her ex-husband had been paying her rent,medical aid, school fees, DSTV.
As I was listening to this story, I understood exactly then what Sarie's problem was regarding her “her brain is bus”.
My friend, Sarie, was having a difficult time comprehending how her so-called friend could complain so much when she had absolutely nothing to complain about.
When Sarie looked at her own circumstances versus Suzie's, there was this HUGE GAP showing how Sarie's circumstances and finances were in shambles compared to Suzie’s problems.
Sarie realised that Suzie was literally complaining with a white bread under her arm.
I smiled and informed Sarie that I knew exactly how she felt, as I used to have a friend, who did exactly the same to me.
We used to be like family and had known each other for so long. Our kids grew up together, both of us single moms.
One day, while we were visiting for a weekend, she informed me that, her dad was a day late with her rent, and that her ex-husband had not paid in her R10 000 maintenance yet. Plus, she was going to stop the course she was studying to become a crèche teacher, and I knew that her brother was paying for the course.
“You could have knocked me over with a feather.”
My mouth was hanging open, and I was stunned.
My brain could not comprehend how in the world could she earn that much and still be complaining about being broke, as to when I compared it to my own income which was R10 000 gross. Not even nett, gross! Plus, I worked a second job over weekends, as my ex-husband was not paying in anything at that moment.
I was paying rent, in full; school fees, in full; groceries, power, etc., etc.
Oh yes, and she applied for a reduction in school fees every year, but she earned more than what I did, and I paid the school fees of two children in full.
After that revelatory information, my thoughts were a mangled-up bunch of wires. Anger was rising up inside of me while comparing her blessed situation with mine, and then she still complained.
I had to do everything by myself, and I still brought food with me for us all when we visited them for a weekend.
Can I tell you that it took me many months to forgive my friend?
My love towards my sister-friend felt like it was flowing out of my heart, and I was bouncing between anger, disappointment and un-forgiveness.
For the second time in my life, I battled to forgive in my heart, and I did speak it out loud. I spoke my forgiveness, out loud so many times, yet I battled, as it felt like I had been betrayed.
And then small things started to make sense.
Small things started to make sense. She also had a habit to borrow money from me and to not give it back, most of the time.
My heart was broken, as I realised that she could not work with money.
Our friendship lasted another year or so, and then I just cut the ties.
I saw that things were not changing with her. She had a boyfriend living with her the last time my son and I visited them for a weekend. I brought a cooler box full of food again, as I remembered that she was a struggling single mom.
But when I saw the boyfriend and realised that he was living there, and saw the amount of food that was in the fridge, I was asking myself the question:
Why did she not inform me not to bring food and that her boyfriend had moved in with them? Was I not her bestest best friend?
She was still battling financially and would still borrow money from me. I learned again, with sadness how she and her son would go eat out with my money, as she did not realise that I have Facebook and that we are linked as friends. She would upload photos onto her Facebook profile how they were enjoying eating out, yet I did not, could not go eat out with my children, as I was helping her. with fuel money for her transport business.
I needed to just sow the money, as I knew that the money was not going to be returned.
I was fine with that, but after a while, I was in a financial tough spot myself. Then I had to decide whether to help my children and myself with food and fuel, or her and her son.
I cut ties.
I was able to forgive completely in the end.
I made a decision that if I have a friend like that, you actually have an enemy right in your midst, stealing from you, but hiding it behind a smile, hugs and “I love you’s”.
I am sad to say, that many times if you should see other people's hearts, that it is not always a pretty sight.
