Thinking back to the moment I realized I would have to raise my children alone, I can still feel the weight of that realization. It was overwhelming, terrifying, and felt impossible. But here I am today, 19 years later, and I want to share how I made it through—because if I can do it, then so can you.
The Breaking Point
I remember standing in Pretoria CBD, right in the middle of a normal workday, I worked at the bank, when it hit me: this is really happening. I’m going to have to raise my children by myself. The city noise kept moving around me, but inside I felt completely frozen—like the ground had disappeared under my feet.
I walked outside and lit a cigarette for the first time in more than 15 years. The last time I smoked, I was 16 or 17… and there I was again at the age of 33, lighting a ciggie with shaking hands, feeling helpless and honestly like the worst mom ever,and a failure as a woman. The tears rolled down my cheeks. I was in shock that I was divorcing after only three years of marriage, my finances were in shambles, my employer was busy retrenching me and it felt like everything crashed down at once. All I wanted was to run away—somewhere, where nobody could find me, somewhere where I can find answers, or a place where I can go sleep, wake up and all will be fine. I needed answers, as to what to do next, but there was only silence.
Rock Bottom
Eventually, I had to ask my mom and stepdad if we could stay with them. Even saying the words out loud made me feel like a disaster. At that stage my ex-husband didn’t want to move out so I decided that I will—he was working full time again, and he asked if he could take the car. I thought to myself, well if I want maintenance from him, I am being retrenched from the bank, thus I had better not cut of his transport to get to work, so I said yes to him taking the car. I was 33 now. It was the first time in my life after I purchased my first vehicle at the age of 22 years that I was sitting without a vehicle. I did not know how I was going to get transport to go find work, the retrenching process was almost finalised, and I was trying to keep it together while feeling like I was falling apart. My daughter was 3 and my son was 1, and I kept thinking, “How did I end up here?”. I was the one who always had work, a vehicle, a roof over my head. What the.......?
Finding a Way Forward
I moved to my parents house, with their help. My faithful mom came with their bakkie, we loaded everything and my kids, and so we started a new chapter.
I was sitting at home that first week, the longest week of my life, trying to think where can I find work. The retrenchment package was paid out, which made me slightly less desperate, so I knew that there was some money for fuel, and baby necessities'.
A week later, I had work. The salary was a lot less than at the bank, and my new employer, a business man whose business cheque account was linked to me as his credit manager when I was still working at the credit department of the bank. I knew that his business was of going concern, but that it was not strong, so I was just hoping that it will keep going.
Strong or not, my new employer assisted me with a vehicle for me to have transport to and from work. It was a rebuild, meaning that it was in a car accident, but thank God, I had a vehicle.
It was not long after that I started with my new employer that I realised that my smaller income will not cover all of my expenses, and I was forced by circumstance to look for a second income.
Well, I was looking for a second job, and the easiest was, bartending and waitressing. My break came when my cousin wanted to go on leave, and needed a substitute bartender, while se was away.
The opportunity could not have come at a better time- so weekends here we come. I started to work at the biker bar to bring in that much needed extra income, seeing that me receiving maintenance was not on the menu. I thus worked two jobs ever since. It wasn’t glamorous, and it definitely wasn’t easy, but it was a way forward.
Some months it felt like I was juggling fire: rent, fuel, food, and children creche fees, nappies and milk—every single thing had a price tag and every price tag felt personal. Honestly, it reminded me of starting a business: you don’t always see the results immediately, but you keep showing up, you keep building, and you keep walking in faith. And one day you look back and realize, I worked so hard, but I made it. I can remember that my mom told me one time, do not worry, even if you have to feed your kids dogfood, they will still grow up.
My motto to assist single moms was and will always be:
If you want to see how strong is a teabag, then just put it in hot water! |
You Will Make It Too
It is 19 years later. September 2026, and I want to tell you, that it was super tough. Financially, Emotionally, sometimes Physically. I got tired, overwhelmed, discouraged, but I never ever gave up. I made a choice, a decision, that I will do it, that I will bring up my kids, myself, without maintenance, but survive, we will. I made many mistakes on the journey, many that brought deep scars to my children and myself, my children and I are just working through those scars and painful events, by facing the past again, in our minds, to discuss the mistakes, to ask for forgiveness, so that we can heal, as there is no parent who does not make mistakes, but it is the way that you end that matters most. And trust me —you will make it too. Make up you mind that you will not give up.
You will need to change your perspective, a few times in life, to assist you to see things in a different way every now and then, because to change your perspective, is to change your world. And many times you will need to make decisions out of desperation, forcing yourself to find a different way out of your current circumstance, but let me tell you, I made it through, and so can you.
May you find hope in this article. We'll talk soon. ✨
