YOU ARE LOVED!!! DID YOU KNOW THAT?
#Loved Enough to Let Go
Sometimes a single question can open the door to a memory long forgotten. In a moment of true heart reflection, after asking the Holy Spirit what had happened to my self-control, I was taken back in to an evening from my teenage years, in a flash—and then brought forward again to one of the hardest seasons of my life.
##A Question About Self-Control
I can remember the day clearly. I asked the Holy Spirit, “What happened to my self-control?”
Almost instantly, I was taken back in time to an evening many years ago. I saw myself standing among people while we waited for a fire to get ready. The coals were not ready yet, and everyone was waiting until the meat could be put on the fire.
In South Africa, we call that a braai. In many other places, it would be called a barbecue.
##A Braai, a Plate of Crisps, and a Memory
As I stood there, a man came to me with a plate of crisps.
“Take some of the crisps now,” he said, “because the fire is going to take a while longer before it is ready.”
I remember answering, “No, thank you.”
A little later, he came back a second time, again offering me the plate.
“Take some crisps,” he said. “The fire is going to take a while longer, and you might be hungry.”
Again, I said no.
I immediately remembered that evening. I had been 16 years old. It was a Sunday school braai on a Saturday evening.
Then the Holy Spirit reminded me of something simple but significant: “Do you remember that, when you were 16, you did not eat between meals?”
##The I times that I felt Loved
I remembered what the man had asked me that evening: “Don’t you ever eat between meals?” And I remembered my answer: “No, I don’t.”
When I was 16, it was the first time in my life that I was not overweight—or at least, the first time I did not see myself as overweight. It was the first time in my life that I was actually thin.
Then the Holy Spirit asked me, “Why do you think you had the self-control not to eat between meals that specific year?”
The answer came immediately. I did not have to think twice.
“It is because I believed that my boyfriend loved me—and me only—unconditionally.”
##Brought Back to the Present
Then I was brought back to the present.
It was just after my husband had passed away. The grief was still close, and life felt very different. The Holy Spirit reminded me of something else: “Remember that you put the cigarettes down a month or so before your husband passed away?”
“Yes,” I said. “I remember.”
It was remarkable to me. I did not have a need in my body to smoke. And for the first time in my life, after having children, I knew that I did not need to worry about the finances, rent, and food.
Then the Holy Spirit asked me the same question again: “Why do you think you were able to put the cigarettes down without a fight?”
##The Answer I Did Not Expect
Immediately, the answer came.
And as I said it, I realised what I was saying.
“I believed that my husband loved me—and me only—unconditionally.”
The connection became clear through what the Holy Spirit had shown me. At 16, there had been self-control around food when I believed I was deeply and unconditionally loved. Later in life, I was able to put cigarettes down without a fight when I believed I was loved in that same deeply personal way.
##The Insight That Stayed With Me
Through those memories, the answer came to me with striking clarity:
God repeated Himself by saying to me: “If a person knew how much they are loved, by ME, that they would not have a problem with addiction.”
That was the insight the Holy Spirit brought to my heart. Not through theory, not through shame, and not through a harsh reminder of failure, but through two honest memories from my own life.
##Closing Reflection
Looking back, I can see that the question was never only about self-control. It was about love. It was about what happened inside me when I truly believed I was loved fully, personally, and unconditionally.
The memories were simple: a plate of crisps at a sunday school braai, and cigarettes put down shortly before my husband passed away. But through them, I was shown something deeply meaningful.
Love had touched the place where striving had not been enough. And in that love, something inside me was able to let go.
